


Midnight FM

by ScarletSakura



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25447270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletSakura/pseuds/ScarletSakura
Summary: "Say something, Jongdae." He whispered with a hint of desperation."What should I say?" He found himself asking instead.What was Jongdae supposed to do when the love of his life had just told him that he doesn't want to love Jongdae anymore?
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 11
Kudos: 68
Collections: Shall we Chen? Fictional Fest First Round





	1. I want you to love me now or never

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt code #SWC364:  
> “I’m done trying to get you.” Baekhyun whispers to Jongdae.
> 
> And for the first time ever, Jongdae was actually scared.
> 
> -
> 
> To prompter, you won't find the words of your prompt in the story but I hope you'll still like this! I saw this as an oppurtunity to unleash the angsty baekchen energy and it kind of surpasses 10k words yikes-
> 
> To mods, thank you for dealing with my ficfest-newbie-self twice 👀
> 
> Enjoy reading (and lowkey suffering) !

  
🌙  


-Will you be coming to pick me up?

_I'd love to but I promised a night out with my friends :(_

-Oh, okay. See you at home?

_I'll make up it to you, promiseeee <3_

Standing outside the main entrance of his work office's building, Baekhyun takes a shuddering breath as he lifts his eyes up from the phone's screen. Ignoring the hustle of vehicles on the road and people’s quick footsteps to return home or to catch time for work, he lets his gaze to focus on the sun. The sun is just beginning to set as he stares at it, feeling something inside him sinking along with it as well.

⭐

Exiting his chat with Baekhyun, Jongdae searches Chanyeol's contact name and calls him.

"Hello hello!"

"Hey! Tonight is still happening right?"

  
For a brief moment, he contemplates between surprising Baekhyun by making a last minute change of plan, cancelling his presence at his friends' night out gathering and picking up his boyfriend instead.

"Of course it's happening. Sehun's already on his way to the bar."

"He's early as usual."

"As if you're not about to drive your way there as well."

He just knows that Chanyeol is rolling his eyes and Jongdae quirks his lips upward,

"About that.."

  
His mind thought of Baekhyun. Picking the latter off from work has always been a part of Jongdae's routine when they had just moved in together.

It was, four years ago?

"Jongdae, you better not cancel your attendance."

He realized that it's becoming more rarer for these past few months. Their usual time where they would spend the rest of the hours after work together had been replaced with more of where either one of them would be in home after office hour and the other one still absence.

"Well, I was thinking about picking my boyfriend off from work."

"Oh yeah, he didn't own a car, did he?"

Guilt seeps into Jongdae as he nodded, not that Chanyeol could see him.

"Yeah."

Baekhyun must've felt lonely everytime he cashed a cab without having Jongdae by his side as they talked about their day.

Not that they wouldn’t see each other at home.

But then again, maybe Baekhyun still needed time for himself.  
  
_"I need some time on my own."_  
  
Was what Baekhyun told him months ago, and that's when their routine revolving around each other changed.

Why did he texted Jongdae asking him whether or not he'll be picking him up? He's never told Jongdae the 'Hey, I'm feeling better now so maybe could you start picking me up again tomorrow?'

Maybe Baekhyun's finally missing him. After so many months.

A negative feeling, blaming Baekhyun starts replacing the guilt he's felt earlier and he almost misses what Chanyeol said next.

"- not that I'm trying to ruin your plan, but we haven't seen each other for like, uh, three weeks?"

It's nothing compared to months. But they saw each other at home, right?

"Not that there's a lot of catching up to do."

"For you, that is. While I, have tons of stories to share with you all."

Making up his mind, just one more not-picking-you-off-from-work wouldn't hurt right?

"I'm on my way."

🌙

Baekhyun quietly settles into the backseat of the taxi after telling the driver of his house address located in Hannamdong where he and Jongdae resides in. His own two hands holds his phone tightly in his lap, somewhere in him that’s not yet sunk in hoping for Jongdae to suddenly text him, surprise him as his boyfriend informs Baekhyun to wait as he’s on his way to pick him up. In contrast to his tensed hands, his eyes are more relaxed when he lets his gaze roams through the buildings, people, pets and vehicles that passes by in a blur. Finally, his eyes settles on the sun. The sun is still shining so brightly even when it's setting down, unlike how his heart that sinks even lower without being able to float back, unlike how his hands that are grasping onto physical things even though he knew that it’ll slip through the cracks of his fingers. Deciding not to feel so sappy and poetic all of a sudden, he asked the driver to turn the radio on to the channel that he loves to listen to.

"This is the Midnight FM, thank you for still tuning in-"

Baekhyun's heart that was distracted by uneasiness calms down- even if only for a little- upon hearing the familiar voice of the DJ he's become a fan for.

"- we have a few more songs coming up before we'll move to The Night Talk session with one of our listeners where we will be just talking about life experiences. And after that, I'm sure that this is when most of our frequent listeners like to tune in-"

The DJ chuckled at the last sentence just as Baekhyun's lips curved upwards because he's definitely one of that frequent listeners.

"-because you guys get to request songs to be played starting from 9pm until 1am. Tag us in our Twitter account along with your requested song and you'll hear it playing in no time."

His mind thought of Jongdae. What song does he want to dedicate to his boyfriend that Jongdae could listen to when he's driving back home?

He lips tug upwards when his memories made a flashback to the first time when Jongdae had came back at night and cooed at Baekhyun upon noticing on his way back home that Baekhyun had requested a love song for him. It's become their routine now when Jongdae's coming home late.

"For now, this is Lauv with Breathe.”

He had always liked the DJ because he’s never failed to play songs that currently depicts Baekhyun's moods or feelings. And hearing the song, he is once again reminded the reason why he liked the DJ in the first place.

⭐

"Jongdae-yah!" Chanyeol waves him over to their table at the corner inside the bar, still near to the counter. He wears a smile on his face when Jongdae walks over to them.

"Thought you would ditch us the last minute." He greeted then.

Jongdae takes the remaining empty seat beside Yixing, all of his friends already arrived and are already drinking.

"Man, and here I thought I would be arriving earlier than most of you." He pouts, Yixing consoling him by sliding a filled glass towards his direction.

Sehun scoffs playfully at that, "You live the most faraway amongst us. Still takes you about 30 minutes to arrive here."

The moon was already taking over the sun's shift when Jongdae stepped out from his car, parked just across the bar.

"You guys got here so early. I thought drinking was supposed to happen at night." He downs the liquor in one shot and hisses at how his throat burns at the sensation but his hand still automatically reaches for the bottle of beer in the middle of the round table.

"Can't really stay out too late. Some of us have curfews and responsibilities to attend to once we exit this place." Junmyeon replies after following Jongdae's previous action to drink the beer at one go, though he seemed to regret it afterwards.

"Hello reality." Yixing chimes in, sounded tipsy already.

Minseok groans, "I do not need to be reminded of deadlines right now."

A chorus of agreement was voiced.

Jongdae looks at them fondly, he had missed them even though it's only been three weeks. Jongin caught the fond look in his eyes and coos, "Aww Jongdae-hyung! You missed us!"

Jongdae sticks out his tongue at that.  


Their conversations and drinking went on for what seemed like hours when Chanyeol finally brought up the relationship talk.

"Thanks for reminding me that I'm currently single." Sehun jabs Chanyeol's shoulder. The youngest among them already drunk judging by how he wobbles even when they're sittting.

Jongin, his boyfriend, who's also on his way to drunkenness, gasps louder than necessary, "Your boyfriend's right beside you!"

Then they began to bicker at each other. Some of them only laughs at the youngest couple's quarrel while the others including Jongdae gagged dramatically.

"Oh shush, Dae. As if you don't have your boyfriend waiting for you at home right now." Minseok points a finger towards him. Almost immediately, all of table's occupants puts their focuses on him, making him squirm in his seat and his finger starts to play with the empty glass.

"Tell us how you're doing with- with- Bikhyon?" Jongin tilts his head, trying to remember the name of Jongdae's boyfriend.

"Baekhyun." He corrects. And a tiny part in him tries not to dwell much on the thought of Baekhyun waiting for him to come home.

"Ah yes, Baekhyun!" Jongin nodded, "Any new development?"

He raises an eyebrow, "No..?"

"Come on, Jongdae, no need to be shy. How's your sex life going? How about marriage?" Chanyeol wiggles his eyebrows.

It could be the alcohol that causes Jongdae's cheeks to be more flushed than it already is, or maybe not. But then he became a lot more sober when he realized that they haven't been doing anything more than just kissing lately. His sudden change of expression must have been too clear for the others to see.

"Don't tell me you two broke up." Junmyeon gasped. Really, almost all of them tend to be more dramatic than necessary when the alcohol's kicking in their systems.

"No!" He denied instantly, "We haven't broke up. We'll never break up."

"Oooh now that's confidence." Yixing praised beside him, but then Kyungsoo just needed to mock him, "How are you so sure? The next thing you'll know is that he's breaking up with you."

Minseok and Chanyeol who are sitting between him didn't hesitate to hit him in the hand/head, making him hisses in pain and Yixing muttering a "deserved."

Once again, Jongdae ignores the negative uneasy feeling that's starting to rise. He reaches for the liquor again.

"You're the one amongst us with the longest relationship. That must mean you're in it forever now." Minseok assures him, sounding perfectly sober. He then sends Kyungsoo a glare, "It's only natural that someone starts to doubt.”

"How many years now, Dae?" Yixing softly asked, the latter already stopped drinking when he's felt drunk enough hours ago. And now, he's sober enough.

Jongdae puts the glass down on the table as he answers through the burn of the alcohol, "Four."

All of them lets out an impressive hum, including Kyungsoo who's now in Chanyeol's arms.

"And you guys have known each other for...?" Sehun drawls in his slurry voice.

"Five years."

"Damn that's long!" Jongin laughed.

"I'm not trying to cause doubt whatsoever but aren't you scared that maybe your relationship will end?" Kyungsoo asked again, the rest of them proceeded to shut him up but he shrugs his shoulders, "I have a point though."

Jongdae thought for a moment, thinking back to their arguments and make outs. Thinking how much Baekhyun had said he loves Jongdae to the point where Jongdae lost count of it. How Baekhyun had told him that he can't imagine a world without Jongdae with him. How they both promised each other their forever.

"No." He insisted. So sure and confident.

  
  
But maybe that's where he's wrong.

  
  
After saying goodbyes and watching Sehun and Jongin getting dragged to Junmyeon's car with Yixing and Minseok helping him, after texting a quick message to Baekhyun informing him that he’ll be on his way back home now, after Chanyeol apologized for making him choose between his friends and his boyfriend and Jongdae scolding him afterwards saying that his boyfriend will understand, after separating on the roads and turning on the radio to tune to Midnight FM, only then did Jongdae lets his insecurities creeps back in.

He needs the reassurance from Baekhyun. He knows that Baekhyun will always stay up to tune in into his favourite radio channel whenever Jongdae's coming home later than him. He knows that Baekhyun will dedicate him a song through the radio channel that he's currently tuning in. He needs to know that Baekhyun still loves him, still misses him and longs for him through his requested songs.

He turns the volume up, trying to drown out his doubts that he's never felt before but somehow already exists for so long. Maybe it started when him picking up his boyfriend off of work ended months ago. But only now, after being asked directly about it did Jongdae realized that maybe, he's not so sure about their future anymore.

"- that was Now or Never by Halsey, another song that blends well with your night drive."

He glances at the clock, 10:31pm.

"Here's a song requested by one of our most frequent listeners, thank you for still listening to us, oh! Dedicating a song to your loved one again, yes?”

The DJ laughs, sounding amused and also teasing at the same time. Jongdae's cheeks warm up because he knows that the DJ was talking about him and Baekhyun. Baekhyun had joined The Night Talk last year, and it's safe to assume that the DJ recognizes Baekhyun's Twitter username by then along with his intention whenever he requested a song to be played. The sound of the DJ's laughter dies down not seconds after, as if he's said something wrong. Jongdae's stomach churns uncomfortably, his grip on the steering wheel tightens.

The urge to close the radio off takes over Jongdae, he knows he's a coward when his hand immediately went for the off button. But he's only seconds late to turn it off when the DJ speaks again to introduce the requested song after cracking up a joke that Jongdae didn't register earlier.

"-this is LANY with I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore."  


The moon that shines brightly up in the night sky was the only witness to Jongdae's tears as the song come to an end.

🌙

Upon making his song request on Twitter, Baekhyun lays down on the bed after closing his phone’s radio off. The only company with him that night before Jongdae returned was the low hum of the air-conditioning, he buried himself in the blankets that started to lose its warmth as he cried himself to sleep.   
  


🌙  
  


Baekhyun stirs with a tired groan when the alarm rings. Without opening his eyes, his hand instinctively flies to the alarm and shuts it off.

Deciding to take a few more minutes of rest, Baekhyun buries his head into the pillow deeper with the blanket that hugs him warmly lulling him back to sleep. He almost gave himself away to the slumber again if it weren't for the body stirring beside his, a muffled voice then greets him.

"Good morning."

Baekhyun takes his sweet time of staying silent and unmoving, letting seconds and minutes of silence between them when he finally replies in a quiet tone, "Good morning."

He's hoping that Jongdae will not and never asks him about last night's requested song. He's a coward, he knows that but he's mostly isn't ready to talk even though his mentality practically begs him to do so for the sake of his own wellbeing.

But he's tired to speak. And talking will only makes him exhausted.

Baekhyun and Jongdae mostly agrees with each other's opinion as they're always on the same page even when they're not directly communicating. One of the reasons why they get along so well and why their arguments rarely happened.

But maybe not today.

And it's probably been months since their usual agreements were mostly replaced by disagreements.

"What was that about?" Jongdae questioned, his voice clear and sharp inside their quiet bedroom.

Wanting to test the waters, Baekhyun dumbly asks, "What was what about?"

" _From the start, I never thought I'd say this before but I don't wanna love you anymore_." He sang the chorus that Baekhyun recognizes all too well.

Finally, a sigh escapes his lips. Finally, he opens his eyes. Finally, he's ready to talk.

"I don't want to love you anymore."

⭐

Jongdae's heart shatters when Baekhyun whispered those words. The words that he had dreaded. The words that caused his tears last night. The words that puts Jongdae's confidence into shame.

He gulps, hands gripping tight onto the sheets. What was he supposed to say? He loves Baekhyun, is he ready to let him go?

He doesn't want Baekhyun to urge him for an answer. Weren't they always seemed to be able to know each other's needs even without a word? Had that specialness between them also stopped some time ago?

But maybe not today.

"Say something, Jongdae." He whispered with a hint of desperation.

"What should I say?" He found himself asking instead.

What was Jongdae supposed to do when the love of his life had just told him that he doesn't want to love Jongdae anymore? Breaks down in tears as he begs Baekhyun not to leave? They're still in bed, still covered with blankets, still facing each other's backs rather than their faces, still so early for this.

Baekhyun stirs behind him, "I'm leaving."

Jongdae didn't know that a broken heart is capable of being crushed in that moment.

"Will you stay if I want you to?"

Baekhyun shifts and there's a sudden change of weight on the mattress, indicating that his boyfriend already left the comfort of the bed. Only then, Jongdae wills himself to turn around and face Baekhyun, who's looking at him with a tired gaze.

Another painful realization sinks in Jongdae when he realized that Baekhyun's been tired of this, of him so much to the point that they came to this sad honest talk in the early morning inside their supposed comforting haven.

"It's come to the point where it hurts me to love you." His smile is sad, broken and devoid of all the sunshine and happiness that Jongdae fell in love with, he then continues quietly, "I'm tired."


	2. I remembered us

⭐

  
It takes minutes after he’s started to drive for Jongdae to realize that he's been driving in his car silently without the sound of the radio or his Spotify playlist being turned on as usual whenever he's driving back home.

Turning the radio on with whatever channel it is currently playing, he retracts his hand back on the steering wheel. Squinting his eyes to reduce the setting sun’s brightness, Jongdae lets his hearing focuses on the radio.

But he kind of regrets it the second he heard the DJ introduced the song.

The song gives no long intros- as if the song had any intro to begin with- before the vocalist sang the lyrics making Jongdae wants to close the radio then perhaps exit his car in the middle of the road and shouts at the sky because the universe is clearly conspiring against him.

But both his hands remained on the steering wheel, eyes still squinting and blinking away the setting sun's halo, his mind diving straight back into his memories as guided by the song.

  
_**'I used to love the sheets, dark hair against the white, I miss watching you get dressed in our hazy bedroom light.'** _

  
"Dae stop it-!" Baekhyun's laugh mixed with Jongdae's happy giggles echoed throughout their apartment in the morning hour, his body turning away as his hands tried to push Jongdae off of him as the latter tickles him just after he had refused to wake up despite Jongdae's numerous wake up calls.

After Baekhyun looked like he might pass out due to out of breath did Jongdae stopped and rests his hands on top of Baekhyun's chest. Baekhyun only glared at him as he smiled down at him.

Baekhyun's black hair tousled on the bed, his pinkish lips that parted as he panted for air, his hands that rested on top of Jongdae's own smaller hands. Every features on Baekhyun seem to intensifies against the white sheets.

"You're gorgeous." Blinked Jongdae, he stares at Baekhyun dumbfounded, "I can't believe you're mine."

It didn't took seconds for Baekhyun to blush as his lips closed in a pout, he looked away from his boyfriend, muttering something that Jongdae can't catch but it made him laughed happily anyway; content with the response Baekhyun gave.

After a good long minute of kissing and cuddling since the tickling, Jongdae comfortably rolled himself on the blanket just as Baekhyun entered the bathroom. The hazy bedroom lights, cool air from the air conditioning and the pitter patter of water by the shower harmonizing with Baekhyun's singing lulls Jongdae back to sleep.

But before his consciousness fully faded, the shower stopped. He blinked himself back to the awakening just as Baekhyun exited the bathroom, his boyfriend's eyes immediately settled on him, "We'll see how you like it being tickled back to life."

Jongdae groaned but sat up anyway, the blanket that covered him being dragged upwards as well, wrapping him up like a burrito. Baekhyun laughed in delight, "Ah, you're cute."

This time, it was Jongdae who pouted and looked away as he muttered a silent disapproval with pinkish cheeks.

His eyes bored into Baekhyun's back as the latter dresses up for work.

"I know I look good, love."

He didn't disapproved of that.

  
_**'It took a couple weeks, last night I finally cried,'** _

  
He remembered the morning hour when they broke up without much of a fight. He remembered watching Baekhyun got ready for work in their hazy bedroom lights, the morning routine they always had but only after the breakup did Jongdae realizes how much of it that he took for granted. Oh how he misses Baekhyun's morning laugh whenever he woke up. He remembered packing his stuffs and loading them into his car without trying to stop himself from leaving their home. He remembered taking a one last look around the apartment and smiling to himself as he took his time to relive the photos hanging on the walls where he didn't bother to put down the ones that showed his face. He remembered clicking the door shut and leaving the other key card to the old security guy, who accepted it with a "take care of yourself." 

He drove away from the city, hours away from Baekhyun.

He remembered Chanyeol saying that he has an apartment that he rarely uses near the place where he’s decided to stop at. He remembered calling him and asking for a room that he could stay in temporarily while he searches for a new place to rent. He remembered Chanyeol saying he’s ditching his work- not that he could be fired from his own studio- to drive to his apartment where Jongdae was waiting inside his car. He remembered the taller man pulling him in a hug as he apologized numerous times, blaming himself for Jongdae's relationship that broke. He remembered when Chanyeol helped by carrying his belongings into the apartment that now became Jongdae's home.

It took minutes, maybe hours of turning around the bed before sleep finally welcomed him. It took him a day off from work- not that his presence is required 24/7 in the music company he worked for as a lyricist- before he can focus back to artists and writing. It took him days to fully adapt to the new changes of his every day life without Baekhyun in it. It took him a week to delete Baekhyun's contact number along with their text messages. It took him two weeks to be able to face his friends and tell them that he was wrong and that his relationship ended. But it was the third week that he finally broke down crying alone in the middle of the night on his bed that felt way too cold inside his bedroom that looked way too dark despite the moon that shone brightly through the curtains, the only voice accompanying him besides his sobs was the voice of a song that was requested; the song that Baekhyun used to sang as they both lied down in bed surrounded with warmth that played through the Midnight FM.

He couldn’t tell if it was Baekhyun who made the request or it had only been a coincidence. Regardless, it became his breaking point.

  
_**'I remembered us in London, your chocolate covered eyes.'** _

  
Jongdae didn't believe in love at first sight. But perhaps Baekhyun proved him wrong when they both happened to bump into each other's way during the busy evening in Seoul’s street. Baekhyun hastily bowed and apologized as he holds down his phone away from his face. He stared into Jongdae through his chocolate eyes and Jongdae remembered his heart actually skipping a beat.


	3. You're my all and more but I need room to breathe

🌙

_**'Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute but I can't bring myself to call.'** _

  
Baekhyun returned home that evening from work after their breakup to a Jongdae-less apartment. Despite the apartment still being fully furnished, it lacked the feeling of a home. The only things that are empty was his ex's wardrobe and personal belongings placed on random spots in the apartment.

Baekhyun took his time trying to detect the things left by Jongdae, anything, but he found none. That was until he sat down on the couch that suddenly felt too spacious for him alone and saw the framed pictures still hanging on the walls.

He suddenly felt so alone.

He would’ve reached out to Jongdae again because he couldn't stand sleeping in the bed that felt cold and unfamiliar without Jongdae's warmth in it. He would have but the framed pictures of Jongdae and him hanging on the walls in the living room was somehow enough to keep him on ground, seeing the stilled pictures of their once happy smiles were enough to comfort him through his loneliness. And thus, he never called Jongdae.

There came a day after weeks since their breakup where Baekhyun has that sudden urge to call him but as soon as the urge came up, it was replaced with Baekhyun staring at his phone screen that showed Jongdae's number that has yet to be deleted instead of hitting the call button.

But there was a day where he had the day off from work and was bored at home that he almost texted Jongdae.

"Hey, how are you doing?" 

Baekhyun groaned as he threw himself down the couch on the living room. He deleted it and prompted for seconds before typing again,

"I'm sorry."

What was he sorry for? He didn't regret breaking up with him. Huffing out a frustrated sigh, he pressed the delete button numerous time to erase the words.

"I hope you're doing okay, wherever yo-"

His typing came to a halt when the realization once again hits him for the fact that he actually has no idea where Jongdae lives after they parted. Is Jongdae living more far away from him now? Or had he decided to live closer to his company's studio? Perhaps he’s staying with one of his friends? Did he bought a new apartment, a house maybe?

Baekhyun shouted a sharp ‘ugh’ then he deleted the text again.

"I miss you."

He can't quite remember what was on his mind when he wrote it without hesitation and having the send button merely centimetres away from his finger.

He didn't pressed it, obviously. Or else why would he still be alone in their once shared apartment that they called a home before as he lays on bed alone, trying to sleep but the song that is currently playing on the Midnight FM keeping him awake and forcing him to relive his memories?

Honestly, Baekhyun doesn't have the answer to that.

A part in him- the vulnerable side of Byun Baekhyun- believes that even if he did send the text message, he would still be alone now. It hurts when those thoughts came from the side that he himself hates the most, because he knew it’s true.

**_'Because I know that your heart's not really in it and whatever we had was gone.'_ **

In fact, he had texted Jongdae before. A drunk Baekhyun did only days ago. But he wasn't prepared to know that Jongdae had blocked his contact number. He should’ve expected that, should’ve known that Jongdae will cut himself off from the person that’s broken his heart.

He remembered through blurry memories that he'd been staring dumbfounded on his phone screen after the text messages failed to be delivered.

Completely awake now, Baekhyun stares on the dark bedroom ceiling. For the first time since their breakup, he surrendered himself to all of his insecure thoughts regarding his relationship with his ex.

His mind starts with the day from years ago, in their early relationship phase where Jongdae had choose his friends over him. There's nothing wrong about it, Baekhyun knew that Jongdae cares and loves his friends and that they don't see each other often unlike Baekhyun, who saw Jongdae almost everyday. He's fine with Jongdae hanging out with his friends. He really was.

But something in him ' _oh_ ' in disappointment when Jongdae texted to let him know that he won't be able to pick him off from work. It was just Jongdae wanting to spend his Friday night out with his friends. Baekhyun was okay with it, he told Jongdae so. But what he didn’t say was that it hurt him because that particular Friday night was supposed to be the day he surprised Jongdae with a night date.

He laughs, it's his fault, no? For not telling Jongdae in advance so he could adjusts his time to make time for both his friends and his lover. But that was in the past. And Baekhyun thought that maybe that was when the disappointment and sadness started to sink his heart. It took him years to finally be able to surface on top of everything that was drowning him ever so slowly, he almost didn’t noticed that he was sinking if it weren’t for that one lonely night in their apartment where Jongdae was out of town. It took him a step out of their apartment door on their breakup day to be able to finally breathe.

It's ironic, really. How the first happening and the last straw both happened similarly. Over text messages and over friends than boyfriend.

He could never blame Jongdae for that, he only ever blamed himself. Maybe the reason why it got to the point where loving Jongdae hurts was because he had blamed himself, because he wounded himself, because he lets his heart sunk without asking for help. Maybe that's why it hurts to love someone else, because he couldn't love himself first.

That would explain so much. That would give him an answer as to why his breakup with Jongdae didn't burden him because he was actually setting the both of them free.

Letting out a puff of breathe, Baekhyun swallows a lump that's formed on his throat. He then laughs sadly, almost pathetically.

That would have make so much sense why he had been missing Jongdae so much for the past few days.

He's healing, maybe he could bring himself to love Jongdae with much better love that the latter deserves in the future.

He smiles sadly then, eyes still staring on the ceiling.

Jongdae must've thought something else, he probably abandoned the hope of getting back together when he decided to block Baekhyun's contact number.

After the thought came to an end and sleep welcoming him back for the night, Baekhyun sighs.

He knows that even if his heart had sunk low over the years, Jongdae had also been his anchor.


	4. I'm not ready, eyes heavy now

🌙

“You seemed tired for the past few days.”

Baekhyun jerks his head up from where he was squishing his cheeks on the work desk to his left. His co-worker slash his work desk neighbour slash his friend is currently giving him an amused expression, “Which is rare.”

Baekhyun rolls his eyes and settles back to having a part of his face squished on the hard surface, “Hyung, everyone’s got their bad times from time to time.” He was already closing his eyes, trying to catch the sleep that’s been close to his grasp if it weren’t for a certain someone disturbing him. He hears rather than sees his friend letting out a disbelief hum.

“Baekhyun, we’ve known each other ever since we both started working here around the same period of time years ago. I know when something’s wrong with you.”

The latter groans, “Spare me the lecture please, hyung.” He hears him snickering, “Not until you tell me what’s been bothering you.”

Baekhyun didn’t say anything then, he’s not sure if he should tell one of his few friends- where his introverted self managed to make and keep in his 27 years old life period- that he’s been missing his ex. It wouldn’t have to be hard to just tell Joon Gi about it but it is because none of his friends know about his breakup that happened months ago. Just as the thought occurred to him, he suddenly feels his gut almost pushing the words out from his mouth then and there. Instead, he manages to ask rather than say the three words.

“Are you free after work today?” He asked as he opens his eyes.

“I’m going out with our colleagues tonight.”

Baekhyun sits up from his slouched body to face Joon Gi who’s facing his computer’s screen, “The bar?” The latter nodded, “The one and only bar we’ve been going to for years. Which reminds me, I was about to drag you with me today.”

He raises one of his eyebrows, “Why?” Joon Gi didn’t tears his eyes away from the screen as he replies, “You looked alcohol deprived.”

Baekhyun laughs, like, really laughs. His usual bubbly voice changed into a loud booming as he laughs, only then did his friend looks away from his computer with his lips quirking upwards, “Forget about Byun Baekhyun being tired, he’s going insane.”

Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Baekhyun wipes the corner of his eye where a singular tear was formed due to him laughing too much, “ You know that I don’t drink and that my alcohol tolerance sucks but why am I laughing so much?” He begins cracking up again, “It’s not even funny.” He wheezes, “Damn it hyung, your jokes are usually lame-“

A hand touches his left shoulder, “Baek, are you okay?”

He then feels liquidity down his cheeks, “Am I- wow, I’m crying?” He did his best to wipe the unwelcomed tears away, Joon Gi offering him tissues which he takes quickly and wipes away his face. “Our destination tonight is the hospital.” His co-worker blurted in concern.

He laughs, “I’m fine. We’re going to the bar tonight, although I won’t be drinking.” The older male looks at him warily, “If you don’t tell me what’s up with you tonight, we’re going to the hospital after that.”

Gaining control of his own emotions, Baekhyun throws the wet tissues into the bin under his desk, “I’ll tell you tonight, okay?”

Baekhyun coped with his breakup by himself for months; maybe his pathetic petty self is now craving the attention of others. Alas, why he suddenly cried when he’s laughing. Or maybe, he’s not fine at all. He should probably make an appointment with a doctor just to be sure. But he’s ready to speak about his breakup with someone else. It’s not like he got divorced or had a murder case that he’s been hiding. It’ll be okay, he just needs to get through tonight and maybe, finally, he’ll move on and who knows, maybe find his way to Jongdae again.

He’s ready.

Okay, so he’s not ready.

He’s sitting in front of Joon Gi at a table where his work colleagues are all engaging in conversations around him. Jieun who’s sitting beside him, had just asked him about his relationship with Jongdae. And now, he finds himself staring at Jieun dumbfounded instead of replying her. He’s thankful enough that the others are distracted by their own conversations to focus on his. Because he can’t speak.

“Baekhyun?” Jieun waves her hand in front of his face but he’s not spacing out to not notice her concerned gesture, “Yes?”

 _Well that’s dumb, she already asked you a question that you left unanswered_. He blinks his eyes, “Oh! About me and Jongdae..” He trailed off and somehow that makes the situation worse when his co-workers heard it and has their attention focused on him then.

“We haven’t heard about your relationship for a long time. How’s your boyfriend doing?”

“I still find it so cute when he came to our office floor to take you out on a lunch!”

“It’s definitely a lunch date but Baek doesn’t want to tell us that.”

“Does he have any hot friend that’s currently single?”

“You two have been dating for so long, any plans for marriage soon?”

  
It’s all too much. All the questions asked. It made him breathless, not in a good way.

The way his memories made quick flashbacks of the scene when he and Jongdae did had their lunch date. He wasn’t ready to tell Jieun who’s been asking him nicely just minutes ago, but when he breathes out the air inside his lungs, the words that got stuck on his throat for months somehow got pushed out as well.

“We broke up.”

Silence filled their surroundings after that. None of his co-workers said anything for a moment as they all looked at him with surprised expressions. Joon Gi, whose eyes are wide as saucers, responds loudly, “Excuse me?!”

Baekhyun winces just as his shoulders circles closer to his head. He breathes in, “It’s been about three months now, actually.”

Jieun, ever the sweet caring person that she is for as long as Baekhyun can remember, pats his shoulder, “Sorry for asking about it.” He shakes his head, “It’s alright. I’ve wanted to tell you guys about this anyway, I just didn’t know when, how and where.”

He lifts his downward gaze towards Jieun and squeezes her hand that is still on his shoulder, “You saved me from trying to bring up the topic.”

She laughs and so did the others, then he meets his other co-workers eyes and oh, how he hated some of their expressions. He doesn’t need their pity on him about something that already happened months ago. As if sensing what Baekhyun feels, Joon Gi claps his hands and stands up with a glass filled with alcohol in one hand, “To Baekhyun’s future happiness.”

Almost immediately, everyone but him who had his eyes wide staring at Joon Gi stands up, some holding alcoholic drinks while some just grabs water and leftover juices.

“To my future girlfriend, wherever and whoever she is.”

“Same but I want a boyfriend.”

“To our happiness, may our future be filled with happy memories.”

Some of them only remained silent and then, they all look at Baekhyun with one of their arms ready in the air. Jieun nudges him, “Don’t be shy.”

He chuckles, “I’m just bewildered at this situation.” He stands up while grabbing his glass of orange juice, “Thanks.”

“Breakup sucks though, may we never experience such a terrible situation again.”

Baekhyun laughs. He’s happy. He hopes that Jongdae is too.

“Toss to all our wishes.”

Although Baekhyun soon discovers that the happiness was shortlived.


	5. I can't quit you

⭐

It isn't fair.

It really isn't fair.

 _This sucks_.

The universe is really conspiring against him.

Recognizing Baekhyun in the blurry picture that Sehun had just drunkenly sent him with a ' _your ex?_ ' isn't freaking fair. Noticing the details of him smiling to a female sitting next to him sucks.

After their breakup and Jongdae trying to move on, he wasn't sure of how he would feel in the future should the situation comes where he'd have to see Baekhyun again.

He certainly was not expecting this.

Over a photo of him with his friends in a bar where coincidently Sehun is also at tonight. He also isn't prepared to feel the heartache again. Heck, he isn't prepared to see Baekhyun in any sort of way at all. Stupid Sehun for being able to recognize Baekhyun even when he's tipsy.

Feeling frustrated, he groans and buries his head on the sofa's cushion pillows.

Okay, so he's moved on. So what? He asked himself. His mind is in disarray that he couldn't focus on one thought then the other without having all of them jumbled up inside his head that's begin to spin in dizziness. He separates his face from the cushions with a sharp intake of breathe. Feels like poison just flew directly through his nose into his pipe lungs straight to his heart. It hurts.

This definitely sucks.

He slowly picks his phone up and spends a good minute just staring at Baekhyun's face. The image was blurry caused by Sehun's shaking hands and his failed attempt to zoom in with precise focus, but it's Baekhyun alright. It just so happens that he was facing Sehun's direction when he smiled.

Surprisingly, Jongdae didn't feel angry. He just blinks emptily at the phone's screen. It hurts. Why did Baekhyun broke up with him again? Why didn't he fought to stay? Why did he blocked Baekhyun's contact number when all he wanted was for his ex to call him, to say he's sorry, to asks him for a second chance. Because he'd say okay.

He would say yes.

But Baekhyun never reaches out to him since their breakup.

Laughing almost quite hysterically, he tears his eyes away from Baekhyun's face and lies down on the couch as the phone slips away from his loosen fingers onto the floor without much impact.

Hadn't he blocked Baekhyun? How would he know whether his ex tried to call him or not? He laughs again until a broken sob made through his mouth, "Ugh.." His face contorts to an ugly frown as he tried his best to not cry.

But all it takes for his wall that he's built for the past months to show people that he's fine to crumble down is the lingering image of Baekhyun smiling to a person sitting next to him that's not Jongdae himself.

"Okay, wow, you're a mess." Was the words that Chanyeol said as soon as he'd stepped into the living room and saw Jongdae laying on the couch with blankets and crumpled tissues all over him.

"Help." He manages to croaked out a word out but then winces when his throat burns in response. He then weakly lifts his phone up from his chest.

Chanyeol huffs as he nears Jongdae, "What am I, your caretaker?"

Typing his reply in a note app, he turns the phone over for Chanyeol to read,

_"I called Ksoo to cook something for me but he can't come over today."_

The taller man immediately frowns, "So basically, I'm your second option?"

The sick man rolls his eyes and began typing his reply,

_"Don't want to bother the older ones with their works. Don't want to see Jongin and Sehun for now."_

Chanyeol raises his eyebrow, "Why not? I mean, they're not as good as I am in cooking-" Jongdae begin regretting asking for his help- "but whatever, they're noisy and I understand you're sick and needs rest." He finishes with a smile.

"Shut up and cook me porridge before I die of hunger."

"You haven't had anything since morning?" Chanyeol asked when he's in the kitchen, scanning through the fridge for any suitable vegetables he can cook with the porridge. Jongdae types his reply just as Chanyeol spots the spinach before taking them out. Straightening his back, he looks over to Jongdae who's had his hand holding the phone on the air.

_"Obviously. Why else would I text you over?"_

He closes the fridge door, "Rude. I'm cooking for you, be nice."

Jongdae rolls his eyes and regrets it when a wave of dizziness washes over his head and blacking his vision for a second. He closes his eyes and lets out a defeated sigh. A chuckle was heard, "What did you do to get that sick?"

The sound of rice being poured into the rice cooker along with the sloshing of water filled the apartment for a moment before Jongdae finally answers, "Baekhyun.."

The sound of water flowing down instantly stops. A sigh. "I thought you're done with him?"

Oh, believe him, he wants to.

"I thought so too." He quietly responded.

It was quiet for a moment but then Chanyeol proceeds to cook the rice before walking over to the couch where Jongdae is laying down while bringing a glass of water. The latter gratefully accepts it with a small smile and the taller man sits down on the floor next to him.

"What happened?"

He sips the water to reduce the burn of his sore throat, taking his time to think of how to explain last night's unexpected happening to his overprotective best friend without mentioning Sehun's main role in this because Chanyeol will scold the youngest for sending a picture of Jongdae's ex to the ex's ex himself, causing him to drown in sadness so much so that he got a cold this morning as soon as he woke up.

Okay, so he's overthinking this. But he doesn't want to admit it to anyone that he's still missing Baekhyun even though he wishes the man never existed so that he'll be left out of this misery. What if he never met Baekhyun, would he still be as happy as he did when they were still together?

Damn it, we've been through this before, snap out of it Kim Jongd-

"-ae. Hello, earth to Jongdae?"

"Huh?"

Chanyeol blinks, "You're thinking about him that much? I've been calling your name from A to Z." Jongdae realizes that his glass of water was finished and sheepishly hands it back to Chanyeol, "Sorry."

Putting the glass on the coffee table, Chanyeol shakes his head, "Don't apologize to me. Tell me what happened."

Sighing, Jongdae opens his mouth, "I realized that I still missed him." He breathes through his mouth, "Last night, Sehun saw him in a bar and he sent me a picture."

Licking his dried lips, Jongdae mutters, "He's smiling to a woman."

His eyes began watering, funny how he got the cold and runny nose since morning but he's never had watery eyes until now.

"I just- it's- has he moved on?" He sobs and his throat burns again, adding the physical pain he's felt since morning, "Because I- I haven't."

He whimpers when the pain doubles, Chanyeol immediately standing from his sitting position to hold Jongdae in his arms.

"I hate him." He grabs the front of his friend's shirt and hardens his grip on the fabric, "But I still misses him so much."

"Want me to punch him?" Chanyeol pats his back with a soothing motion before adding, "But maybe that'll hurt you, so, no."

He laughs, regretting it afterwards. “Hey Yeol?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you up for a song writing right now?”


	6. What if love

🌙

“Drive me home after work?” Jieun asked with a smile as she stops by Baekhyun’s desk. The latter nods, “Sure.”

As she walks back to her desk, Joon Gi slides his chair nearer Baekhyun, he whispers, “What’s with you two lately?”

Baekhyun gives him a weird look, he resumes typing on the keyboard as he answers, “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“Driving her home? That’s some boyfriend stuffs to do.”

He halts his fingers mid-air, he takes about three seconds before he could reply, “We’re just friends.” His co-worker rolls his eyes before draping his arm on Baekhyun’s shoulders, “Everyone's that doing what you two are doing all says that. The next thing I'll know is that you two are already coupled up."

Baekhyun's wall instantly doubles up as he defensively replies, "I don't see her more than a friend."

Joon Gi raises both his hands up in the air, "Woah dude, no need to get so defensive."

Baekhyun slumps into his chair and sighs, "No, sorry. I just-" He pauses, "There's nothing going on between us. So rest assured."

He receives a hit on his forearm, Baekhyun only throws a knowing smile at Joon Gi who suddenly looks flustered, "What's with that look?"

"Oh come on, we've been friends for years now. I know you're hiding something."

"This isn't about me, Byun Baekhyun. Don't make me bring out the ex card."

He huffs, "That doesn't work on me anymore."

He says that but if how Baekhyun's constant halting on the keyboard as he forces himself to focus on the present instead of thinking about the past and by how his eyes are darting back and forth as he blinks the blurriness away is anything but to go by, Baekhyun is still affected.

But no one knows that except himself.

"So, what's his reaction?" Jieun gleefully asked after Baekhyun drives out from the underground carpark. The driver smiles as he focuses on the road, "He went up to me the moment you left the desk."

His female coworker squeals, making Baekhyun laughs, "But seriously though, why don't you just confess to him? I'm sure he feels the same way towards you."

She sighs on the front passenger seat, "Don't give me hope, Baekhyun-ah. Also, I want him to confess to me."

He hums, "Stay single forever then."

He gets slapped on the elbow in response.

"Joon Gi-hyung is going to hate me once he finds out I'm your accomplice."

"He's going to see you as the cupid."

"A brokenhearted cupid playing a love match?"

That had slipped out. Baekhyun clicks his tongue as Jieun gives him a warm smile. She didn't say anything but instead holds his hand into hers, squeezing it lightly.

"You know you can tell me anything?" She asked in that soft sweet tone of hers that makes Baekhyun wants to give in and confesses what he's been hiding for six months since the event where they hung out at the bar.

He squeezes her small hands back, "I don't think you're ready to hear my sappy sad love story."

She laughs and releases their hands, "Please, has no one ever told you that I'm good at listening?"

"No."

"I'm offended."

And that's how they ended up sitting across each other in a random cafe that Baekhyun decided to stop by on their way back home from work. His newly bought car was parked just across the road. "I hope you wouldn't mind me tagging you along after work for a couple of times from now on."

Baekhyun tears his gaze away from the window as he faces Jieun, "He's really going to think we're together."

That resulted a laughter from the woman, "I just love new cars."

"I'm telling him to buy a new one then."

Jieun slurps her milkshake as she point a finger at Baekhyun who is drinking his iced americano, "Enough about me and Joon Gi, let's talk about you instead."

Baekhyun groans and laid back into the chair, "I've been through this scenario at the office this morning, Joon Gi told me the same thing."

She pinches Baekhyun's hand that is resting on top the table and he yelps, attracting the attentions from nearby tables. He retracts his hand as he brushes the tingling spot, Baekhyun then narrows his eyes, "I payed for the drinks." He yelled whispered.

She crosses her arms, "Don't try to change the topic then."

He lets out a defeated sigh, "What do you want to know?"

"What do you want to tell me? You're really introverted, Baekhyun-ah. I'm not sure if you have any other friends that you could talk to but keeping the feelings inside isn't good for you."

The last time Baekhyun talked about his feelings was that night when they hung out at the bar where he told his coworkers that he broke up with his long time boyfriend. Then again, Baekhyun has never told anyone more than what they needed to know. He didn't tell anyone that he's been getting less sleep, that he's secretly went to see a therapist once but stopped when he decided to carry the burden alone because he thinks he deserves it. He's been blaming himself for breaking Jongdae's heart.

And this is probably the worse Baekhyun has ever felt because while he enjoys his free time by himself after the breakup, he still longs for Jongdae's presence. _Which is messed up_ , he thought. He wasn't able to tell this to the therapist and since then the ache grew in him.

It's always midnight when he starts missing Jongdae. Always midnight, when he'd cry. Midnight, when he realizes how incomplete he feels without him.

But he couldn't do anything but bleed throughout the night.

"-ou okay?"

He blinks and all the sounds surrounding the cafe resumes playing in his ears, pushing the thoughts away as the sounds fill the empty spaces in his head, "Sorry."

She smiles, "You're spacing out."

Instead of telling her how he feels, instead of freeing his chest with the pain he's keeping forcefully as a punishment, he says something else instead.

"I've adopted a dog two months ago."

Jieun's eyes sparkles in interest and her smiles stretches wider, "And you just tell me now? What breed?"

He shrugs nonchalantly, as if the fact that he's adopted his first dog isn't a big deal to the point where he should tell his few friends, "A Pembroke Welsh Corgi. He's really cute."

She coos and leans forward, "Corgis are really cute! What's the puppy's name?"

He sips his iced americano and answers through the straw between his teeth, "Mongryong."

⭐

Unbeknownst to Baekhyun and Jieun, Jongdae is also present in the cafe. He's sitting at the far end of the cafe's corner, covering his face with his notebook when he sees his ex with the woman who he assumes was the one that Baekhyun smiled to in that blurry picture six months ago.

He couldn't tear his eyes off of his ex who still looks so good even after their breakup, Baekhyun doesn't look affected in the slightest by how radiant his smile and laughter is. But Jongdae _knows_ Baekhyun, the longer he keeps his eyes on his ex, the more he notices the changes of features in Baekhyun's figure.

Baekhyun's cheeks lost its roundness, his jaw becomes more sharper, the dark circle below his eyes are more prominent than Jongdae has ever remembered before, Baekhyun also seemed to have lost weight. But those details almost went unnoticed by him because of how bright his smiles are, his laughter still booms around the walls, he still radiates the positive energy to those around him.

Jongdae wants to celebrate in joy after noticing that Baekhyun is affected by their breakup after all. He spent nine months of loneliness, thinking that Baekhyun doesn't care about their breakup but seeing the man in front of his eyes proved that he'd been wrong.

But overall, above all the hate that he feels for his ex lover, he misses Baekhyun.

He's noticed how Baekhyun would space out from time to time before the female would snaps him out of it. Jongdae couldn't help but wishes that in that short moment of time where Baekhyun's thoughts would stray off, he would be thinking of Jongdae.

He's spent months trying to move on and trying to forget everything about him.

At day, he would.

But it was always at midnight when he's lied down on the bed that he would start thinking of Baekhyun again. Always midnight, when he would lie awake on the bed thinking of the "what ifs". Midnight, when he wishes that Baekhyun would be by his side providing him warmth instead of a cold empty space.

There was a time where he had unblocked Baekhyun's contact number, he's so close to call him. But fear took over that night, resulting in him never making the call. He was anxious to make the call, he's scared that Baekhyun might've already blocked his contact as well. He's scared that even if Baekhyun picks up the call, he would still end up alone at night.

But although he didn't pressed the call button that day, Jongdae leaves his contact number unblocked.

But Baekhyun never reaches out to him.

When he's fully sober and when sleep didn't welcome him, all he could do was bleed throughout the night.


	7. Baby now how we doing?

🌙

He's probably imagining it.

He must be.

_Right?_

He must've been missing his ex a lot more than he'd thought for him to start seeing a hallucination of him.

But what if he's not imagining things? Heck, he doesn't even take drugs so how would he even starts hallucinating.

But somehow if this isn't some sort of a sick joke that his mind is playing on him, it would be so much worse.

Baekhyun's imagined countless scenarios of how he would probably crosses path with Jongdae again one day, this definitely isn't it.

All he did was roamed his eyes throughout the cafe when Jieun left for the washroom, and despite Jongdae's obvious attempt to cover himself from Baekhyun's line of sight, he still notices him.

After all these months, he could still tell that the man hiding his face behind the notebook is Jongdae. Although the notebook that Baekhyun recognizes all too well played a huge part in that.

How can he not recognized it? He gifted that notebook to Jongdae for their first date way years back ago.

Baekhyun couldn't tear his eyes off of the notebook- or well, Jongdae who is hiding behind it.

 _He still keeps it_.

All the lyrics that Jongdae wrote while thinking of Baekhyun is written behind those pages. And even after their breakup, Jongdae still keeps it.

Honestly, Baekhyun doesn't know how to feel about that.

While the sparks of hope in him that he's kept burning for months flames up into life at the newfound information, Baekhyun mostly starts to feel guilty.

For Jongdae to continue keeping the book _and_ bringing it along with him, he truly must've loved Baekhyun. And he broke that love apart.

It is with that realization that Baekhyun once again starts blaming himself, he doesn't deserve someone as loving as Jongdae.

He stands up from his chair just as Jieun made her way back to the table, "We're leaving?"

Thank God that the drinks are both finished, or else it'd seem like Baekhyun is in a rush to leave. Even though he will be leaving whether the drinks are finished or not. He nods, not trusting himself to speak in fear that Jongdae would hear him as the latter still hides himself behind the notebook.

Jongdae must've heard his boisterous laugh. The latter must be thinking that Baekhyun has moved on with a female now, Jongdae must've hate him more by how happy he had sounded while he probably still suffers.

 _"I'm hurting too."_ He wanted to say those words to Jongdae, but instead of doing so, he escapes the place.

He didn't look back throughout his way into the car. But if he had just turned for a moment to take a look at Jongdae, he'd be meeting his eyes and he'd stop his tracks in the middle of the road as his walls break down, delivering all the pent up emotions he's been keeping for months to his ex lover. If he had turned his head around and locked eyes with Jongdae, Baekhyun would've noticed that his ex still longs for him. Jongdae would've accepted Baekhyun back if he had just turned around and made his way back into the cafe and straight to where he is sitting.

If their eyes had met once more, they both would have realized how they still love each other.

But Baekhyun walks with his head held high, hiding his inner turmoil behind the thick tall walls he's built as Jongdae watches him walk away with the notebook held into his hands, his vulnerabilities clear on his face.

Jieun isn't aware of how the current song playing on the Midnight FM as Baekhyun drives affects him. He grips the steering wheel tighter to the point his palm and fingers hurt but he welcomes the pain if it means distracting the song from entering his mind.

Grateful that the line of traffic isn't packed, Baekhyun steps on the pedal more to fasten the car so that he could drop off Jieun as fast as he can to shut the radio off.

But living in city means traffic lights are almost at every nook and cranny around the tall buildings, Baekhyun stops at a red light again just as the song comes to an end. His grip on the steering wheel loosens, the throbbing of stings doubles when air seeps into his palm.

"That is EXO with one of their winter themed album songs called Stay. Up next, we're going to play a new released song! For now, we've got a couple of ads coming up."

The other person in the car starts to talk but Baekhyun isn't hearing what she is saying enthusiastically about, he steps on the pedal once the traffic light shows green. Even after Baekhyun pulls over at the front building of Jieun's apartment, she's still talking and only then does Baekhyun takes her words in.

"- good song." She sighs dreamily and rests her head against the window.

Baekhyun blinks, feeling lost about what song she was talking about, "What good song?"

She clicks the seatbelt open and casts a small pout, "Weren't you listening?"

"I- uh- no?"

She grabs her bag in one hand as the other went for the car door's, "The new released song that's topping music charts right now, it's very good."

He nods, although not really getting why she's so ecstatic about a song. Jieun caught what he was thinking and she continues, "It's a breakup song. Not recommended for you."

He gives her a weirded out look, "Why are you sighing dreamily about a breakup song?"

Jieun's face blossoms into a smile at the question, she leans back into the door, "The vocalist is really good."

Baekhyun chuckles at that and glances at the rearview mirror to check the traffic on the road, "Who's this singer that's managed to steal the company's best singer's heart?"

Jieun swats her hand that's holding her bag to Baekhyun's forearm, "I'm not the best singer." She complained but Baekhyun knew that she's happy by that compliment nonetheless.

"It's his first song as a singer, honestly, can you believe that? All the people on the internet are trying to figure out who he is."

"He's an anonymous singer?"

She ponders for seconds before she answers his question, "He goes by the name Chen. The music video doesn't include his face in it."

His eyebrows furrows, "Chen?"

"You've never heard of him before too, right?"

"Sounds like a stage name for an idol from a group."

"That's what we're thinking too!" She sighs for the third time, "Anyways, I suggest you not to listen to the song if you don't want to go back reliving your past relationships."

"Yeah thanks, you're making me more curious." He smiles at her when she opens the car's door.

She barks a laugh, "His voice is really nice, it has that healing feeling to it."

"For a breakup song?" He quirks an eyebrow, she's fully exited the car and she bends her knees to face Baekhyun, "For a breakup song."

He smirks, one hand ready on the gear box as the other holds the steering wheel, "Then I might need to listen to a healing breakup song."

She clicks her tongue then distances herself from the car with her still within arm reach to close the door, "I think for your case, it's the lyrics that you need to be careful with."

He laughs, "Okay, you're really making me curious now. What's the song title?"

She smiles, though Baekhyun can tell that it's a bittersweet one.

"You by Dynamic Duo featuring Chen."


	8. All I want is you

🌙

The sun is already resting behind the horizon when Baekhyun reaches the front door of his apartment.

The front door creaks soundlessly into the dark apartment floor, he switches the lights on and the sound effect echoes throughout the walls. Baekhyun stands there on the doorway with an ache in his heart, the ache that's started growing inside him after noticing Jongdae at the cafe.

That ache already exists for so long in him, he couldn't exactly remember how he managed to hold the uneasiness away for months but seeing Jongdae again triggered the emotion to resurface. Baekhyun hates it. It nags at his being to turn around and bring Jongdae back into their haven.

Even the apartment longs for Jongdae's sunshine behaviours, these days the rooms looked gloomy and too devoid of any noise that it's starting to make Baekhyun depressed. He didn't thought it was a big deal, he just needs time to adjust the new feeling to the point he'll grow numb of it. But seeing Jongdae again triggered all of the things Baekhyun tried so hard to bury.

He hates the ache. He couldn't rub it off or distract himself with something else to make the pain go away because the emotions are too strong.

He takes a deep breathe and then a bark greets him back to reality.

He looks down and is greeted with the sight of Mongryong pawing at his legs as the dog barks again. His tail wags happily when Baekhyun looks at him.

"Oh." He crouches down to pat the dog, "Hey there, sorry I wasn't paying attention earlier."

The dog licks his hand that was bopping his nose nonstop and it brings a smile to the owner's face.

"Jongdae will love you so much if he gets to meet you."

The dog barks when he senses his owner's sadness by how the petting stopped and Baekhyun shudders.

"What do I do, Mongryong-ah? He misses me."

His eyes starts to wet, he chokes out a sob that causes for his pet dog to bark softly.

"I miss him too."

He wipes the welled up tears away from his eyes, his breathing becomes erratic and Mongryong hurriedly licks his face, Baekhyun laugh cries at the dog's attempt to console him.

"But this is- it's _so_ complicated."

His ex still misses him and he misses his ex as well. They could meet up and talk then maybe get back again, no? It doesn't sound complicated to do, isn't it? But for Baekhyun, it's hard.

All they need to do is talk, sort things and feelings out. But Baekhyun finds it hard to do so because he's kept all the feelings and emotions unspoken to the point where he can't speak the words out. He always sucks at communicating which got him where he is today. He didn't express what he thought or felt back when he's still with Jongdae properly. The other one was always so open about everything, he speaks his mind and laughs at nothing.

Baekhyun didn't even properly tell Jongdae why he wanted to break up. Since when did he became so deaf during their relationship?

He wails against the door, the dog's beginning to whimper and he hugs Mongryong close while he cries his heart out. The ache in him starts to hurt, and Baekhyun knows it's not healthy but he couldn't help but welcoming the pain once again like how he did back in the car when he gripped the steering wheel tightly.

A part in him regrets that he continued listening to Midnight FM after driving Jieun back to her home. If it weren't for that, he wouldn't have had listened to Jongdae's voice singing the lyrics of a breakup song with such a healing voice.

But if he hadn't listen to the song from start to finish, he wouldn't have known that Jongdae _still_ , wants Baekhyun.

Baekhyun weeps harder when he remembered the lyrics. Those were his unspoken words, those were what he wanted to tell Jongdae. But somehow Jongdae wrote them like the genius lyricist he is and even sings it just to get his feelings reached out to Baekhyun. Even when they were apart, Jongdae still communicates to him.

Mongryong barks, startling Baekhyun.

The owner looks at his dog who's fur on some spots are sticking together due to his tears, he brushes them with a small smile, "Sorry, you were saying?"

Mongryong barks and wags his tail, Baekhyun nods, "Okay."

⭐

You is playing in almost all radio stations throughout the country so even if Jongdae wants to avoid his own song, it's a bit hard to do so. So he begrudgingly listens to his own voice singing the lyrics that he had written many months ago with Chanyeol accompanying him when he had a cold.

**_'Eating alone, sleeping alone, playing alone. All the people around me live like this. But I can’t live without you.'_ **

Now that he listens to the song again after successfully managing to avoid it when it was released a week ago, Jongdae finds the lyrics a bit too cliche, he clicks his tongue in embarrassment when the line 'all I want is you' repeats before the first rap verse starts.

He keeps his hands in his tight sweatpants' pockets as he glides his way through the people coming in different directions around the busy evening street, his wired earphones plugged tightly in his ear as the song plays on undisturbed.

**_'How much you endured, how generous and understanding you were of me. Only now did I realize that how childish I was, how selfish I was.'_**

He wrote the song based off of his feelings that he couldn't say to Baekhyun. Hearing the lines playing once again reminds him of how honest he has been in this song. He bared himself for Baekhyun to read, he poured his longing and apologies through this song. He _hoped_ Baekhyun hears this because Jongdae thinks he could never speak those words directly to the man that inspired it.

He narrowly dodges a middle aged suited up man who walks ahead with quick footsteps, expecting the people in front of him would make way for him instead of finding his own way.

His momentarily distracted body shifts back to casually walking while he tries his best to shrink his body as small as possible, his mind thinks of Baekhyun again.

Byun Baekhyun is always the person that puts others ahead before him, he is always that person who shares his portion of food to those who's still feeling hungry even when he's nowhere near being full yet, he's considerate of others so much so that he didn't mind getting his feelings hurt a little if it makes the others happy.

Jongdae knows that, because Baekhyun has done it for him. And Jongdae never really truly realizes how much of Byun Baekhyun he had taken for granted. He could never compare to his ex.

 _No wonder why_ _Baekhyun_ _got tired_.

Because Jongdae would have been too. He swallows a dry lump when the thought crossed his mind where he would've left the relationship a lot more earlier than Baekhyun decided to.

 _Since when did_ _Baekhyun_ _started feeling that?_

_**'Only you make me feel like myself. I’ll do better, I’m sorry. I have no words to say besides apologies. I’m simple and uncomplicated. I’ll only wish for you. You’re my only sailing boat, in this ocean made of only loneliness.'**_

Jongdae was too preoccupied thinking of his ex and listening to the song's last rap verse that he didn't notices how the people in front of him hastily lifted their legs when a four legged creature excitedly pants his tongue out as he made his way through the crowded people's legs. Some of them pays the pet no attention, while some of them coos and others directed their irritation to the dog's owner.

"Mongryong-ah slow down a bit!"

The voice pierces through the volume of Jongdae's earphone straight into his mind, he halts his steps instantly.

He recognizes that voice.

Jongdae- Chen started singing the song's last verse just as he finally takes notice of the dog that is now in his line of sight. The dog is walking running straight to where he is currently standing still at.

He couldn't process of what to do and seconds later the dog walks pass him with his tail slapping Jongdae's legs in the process. The owner- the person who's struggling to keep up while holding the dog leash not too tightly keeps his focus on the dog, not seeing that Jongdae is standing near to where his dog pet is currently taking a short break as he licks his paws.

Jongdae's breath hitches and his body tenses up when he looks at Baekhyun who stops beside him, he sighs at the dog as he catches his air as well.

And he very much looks like he's about to talk to him.

Baekhyun talks before lifting his eyes to look at the bystander who Mongryong just walked passed through, "Sorry about him, he tends to-"

He looks at Jongdae and he stops talking.

Jongdae is currently locking eyes with the person who once cherished him, the person who broke his heart and the person who he never stops loving.

He's standing just within arms reach away from Baekhyun, who he wants to hug very much.

He's currently seeing the very man who inspired the lyrics of the song that's playing in his earphone. The song that just ends with the words Jongdae wants to tell Baekhyun so much.

_**'All I want is you.'** _


	9. Loving you has consequences

🌙  


  
It's as if an invisible being just punched the air out of Baekhyun's lungs the moment he saw who he was apologizing to.

Kim Jongdae is standing next to him, looking straight into his eyes.

He could feel some passerby has their eyes on them with curiosity, some with irritation that they stood there in the middle of the people's way. Baekhyun couldn't find it in him to care about people's opinions of them in that moment where he is currently seeing his own reflection through Jongdae's eyes.

He's about to talk- apologize maybe but a bark interrupted their conversation that hasn't even started. He jerks to the source of the sound and his insides flutter when he catches the soft touch of amusement in Jongdae's expression.

He bends down to the corgi, "What do you want now?"

Mongryong, who's smart enough to sniff what is currently going on much to Baekhyun's dismay, barks softly this time and he paws his way to Jongdae. Baekhyun's eyes widens.

"Uh, Mongryong-ah." He tries to pull the leash shorter so that the dog will walk towards him instead of his ex. However, the dog who is incredibly stubborn much to Baekhyun's dislikes show no sign of wanting to stop walking nearer Jongdae.

Baekhyun's eyes widens once again when the latter bends his knees down to scratch Mongryong's ears, who happily sits his puffy furry butt back down on the concrete path. "Who's this?" He asked without looking at the dog's owner.

Baekhyun stammers, "Uh, that, corgi-"

Mongryong licks Jongdae's palm which made the latter's lip quirks up and the sight is so unfair and surreal to Baekhyun. He needs to have a very serious talk with the corgi after this.

"Mongryong." Baekhyun bends down and brushes his fingers through the dog's fur. He adds, "Very stubborn and annoying and noisy and- ow!"

The mentioned dog yanked his head to Baekhyun's hand and nipped it, surprising the both of them.

"Okay little dude," Baekhyun stands up and brushes his hand that was nipped as he gives Mongryong that stern look, "you and I are going to have a very serious talk after this."

Jongdae stands up as well, he glances briefly at Baekhyun's hand and he has to hold down the urge to take the latter's hand into his, he clears his throat, "Aren't you and I supposed to be having that talk?"

Baekhyun looks surprised and caught off guard for a second, but then his expression changes to a more serious stoic one.

"What is there to talk about?"

The stitches that Jongdae managed to sew across his heart for the past nine months loosens, it hurts hearing that. But Jongdae is so tired of dealing this on his own. If Baekhyun really has moved on, he needs to at least give Jongdae a proper closure. He needs a good reason that will make him stop longing for his ex.

He shouldn't lie, he shouldn't hide what he is currently feeling, he can only afford to be honest with Baekhyun now like he always had been in the past. The only difference now is that he has nothing to lose if he pours his heart out, he can't lose Baekhyun because he already did. But somehow Jongdae still got attacked with insecurities and anxieties of what if this will make Baekhyun stray off farther away from him?

"See? There's nothing to talk about." Baekhyun knows he is being the definition of a jerk right now, but he's scared. He doesn't want the conversation he is about to have with his ex to end up with them parting ways. He tugs the dog leash upwards, Mongryong stands from his sitting position and sticks himself to his owner's feet then. Baekhyun licks his lips, not wanting to be the one who walks away again for the second time but he really couldn't afford seeing Jongdae being the one who leaves him.

"I'm glad to see you well, goodbye." He hurriedly pushes those words out just as he turns away.

Baekhyun feels his heart sinks when he didn't feel a hand grasping onto his own to stop him from walking away. But he held his head high and walks back home.

He couldn't help but hopes that Jongdae would show up at his door one day.

In their relationship, Baekhyun relied on Jongdae a lot mostly because Baekhyun is the hesitating one while Jongdae is the bold one.

Now, that fact hasn't changed. Baekhyun is still having intense second thoughts and doubts. He hopes that Jongdae is still the bold one to reach out to him.

And Jongdae still does.  
  


  
  
Baekhyun all but dashes from the dining table to his wardrobe to grab one of his oversized t-shirt as he replays the lengthy text message that Jongdae had just sent him.  
  
_"I don't know if you'll ever receive this or not but if you do, can we please talk? I need the final closure to whatever the hell this is. It's been nine months after our breakup and it hasn't been easy, partly because I was left clueless as to why you really decided to leave._  
 _Just this one time, be truly honest with me. Idc if your answers will hurt me._

  
 _I won't mind if you want to talk over the phone. But if you're wondering, I'm currently at the apartment's building entrance if you wanted to meet for the last time."_  
  
Mongryong is currently sleeping on his own cosy bed- what a spoilt pet- when Baekhyun checks his reflection on the mirror. He sees himself on the reflection, his eyes looked tired, his cheeks are more hollow than they have ever been, his lips coloured pale.

He's so done with whatever the hell this is.

He grabs the door knob of his apartment's door open with full resolution.

Jongdae couldn't hide his shock when he spots a familiar silhouette inside the building's ground floor behind the metallic security door. He heaves in relief and slumps his body forward into the steering wheel for a moment.

He contemplates whether to exit the car and greets his ex or just wait inside as Baekhyun comes over.

A sudden flashback of him in a similar situation as he waited for his ex to finish his work shift darts across Jongdae's mind and he loses focus on the present reality.

A knock from the passenger's window has him hastily opening the door's lock. Baekhyun slips into the seat and Jongdae relives of the past memories again.

Minutes went by inside the car in silence, Baekhyun has his eyes fixed on whatever it is ahead while Jongdae has his head down towards Baekhyun's direction. He looks at Baekhyun's hand that is resting on his thigh, the urge to touch any part of him starts overwhelming him. And it causes him to hold back a sob.

Because the person who he longed for is just an arm reach away, it’s the same person who he’d touched before but it’s different now. He can’t touch him just because he misses him, even when his fingers twitch for any sort of physical contacts that could tame his hungry soul, Jongdae’s hands remain frozen at his side. And that feeling, this action pains him so much that his heartache aches until he feels his chest tingling and he wants to be free of this misery.

Baekhyun can feel his ex's eyes are fixed on his hand, and he uses all of his willpower to remain as still as possible. He doesn't want Jongdae to know that he's nervous, that he's already starting to bite the insides of his cheeks. But an almost audible choked sob has him breaking his facade and he looks at Jongdae.

Jongdae's head is still hung low and Baekhyun can see that the latter's body starts shaking and the walls that he's built over the past months starts shaking as well, threatening to crumble down along with his ex lover. His hands are still frozen on his thighs, and when the feeling of urging to hold Jongdae beats their way up to the surface of his body through the shaking walls that’s caused cracks, Baekhyun loses his will to move his hands. He wants to touch Jongdae but his hands remained glued to him.

He is exhausted from pretending he's okay.

Screw it, he thought as he swallows nervously, he's been a coward enough. If this night ends with them closing their chapter for good and never to be opened again, Baekhyun decided then and there that he will have no regrets.

"I'm sorry, Jongdae. For hurting you."

It's as if the sentence were cued to make Jongdae's tears come forth, his mouth opens to let out muffled sobs and the pained cries echoes in the car, Baekhyun sits there rigidly and he continues on bravely before his courage fails him.

"I didn't mean to, I never want to hurt you. But I-" He paused to breath and everything that he's never told Jongdae that had caused his heart to sunk so low stops at the tip of his tongue.

Jongdae's crying is still going on and Baekhyun feels that it is too cruel to continue on with his words, he didn't want to hurt him anymore but if he's not honest about his feelings to Jongdae tonight, he would be the one hurting for the rest of his lives.

His chest tightens painfully as his mind and heart conflicts.

Out of nowhere, he switches the radio on and he stares at the channel's frequency. He feels the universe giving him a final push from the back towards the front when the DJ from the Midnight FM introduces the song.

And he hears it, the words that his heart wishes to say to Jongdae being sung back to him in his ex's voice.

Jongdae cries again in the driver's seat, he buries his face into the palm of his hands. Baekhyun could feel his eyes watering by the words of the song.

He starts speaking again.

"I didn't left because of you, I broke the relationship off because of me."

He starts having flashbacks of his insecurities and anxieties attacking him in the broad daylight and downright suffocating him when it's night-time. His vision gets blurry in a manner of seconds.

"It sounds so selfish, I know. But I couldn't stay with you anymore because I was sinking so low, I didn't want to bring you down with me."

He swallows the lump down and he wipes his tears off, Jongdae's sobs starts to lessen and for a while only the song does the talking.

So quietly, Jongdae croaks his voice out, "Why were you sinking?"

A bittersweet smile adorns Baekhyun's lip, "I kept all my disappointments and thoughts that might would've hurt you to myself, I guess it came to the point where I couldn't speak my mind even if I wanted to anymore. It's stupid, isn't it?" He scoffs at the absurdity of his reasons.

Jongdae angrily snaps his head towards Baekhyun's direction, "I don't mind getting hurt! You should have told me then!"

Despite his tear stricken face and angry expression, Baekhyun still finds Jongdae so beautiful.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were hurting?!" His rage dies down as he starts to sobs, "I'm not a doll, Byun Baekhyun. You know that."

And Baekhyun's face starts contorting when his first tear for the night slides down his cheek.

Jongdae sniffs and he wipes his nose at the sleeves of his jacket, he moves restlessly into his seat as he tries to make his tears stop.

The last verse of the song starts playing and Jongdae sings it. Baekhyun tries to muffle his ugly sobs and he made the attempt to talk, but to no avail.

"All I want is you, Baekhyun."

The song came to a stop and Jongdae turns the radio off, Baekhyun's cries echoes throughout the car this time and the lyricist takes the time to calm himself down. He didn't expect for him to suddenly broke down when Baekhyun entered the car, he smiled sorrowfully at the turn of event.

Jongdae didn't keep track of the time, but he feels that the minutes of no conversations between them is too long. He's grateful that there's no one asking him to drive away or to park somewhere else because he doesn't think he'd have the energy to drive when he's just finished bawling his eyes out. When he hears Baekhyun's breathing becoming more steady and his sobs quiet downs, he lets himself to study Baekhyun's features up close as the latter leans his head back into the passenger's seat with his eyes closed.

He hovers his hand just inches away from his ex lover's jawline when he whispers, "You've changed."

The comment manages to tear a quiet chuckle from Baekhyun.

"It's not a good change."

"I can see that."

Silence ensues between them again and when Baekhyun opens his eyes to mirror Jongdae's reflection, he welcomes the hand that cups his jawline almost too eagerly as he leans into the touch.  
  
"Baekhyun, I would have loved you for you when you're hurting."

He whispers, "I know."

Jongdae waits for Baekhyun to say more, and he closes his parted mouth as they jitters. He exhales a shuddering sigh, "But I don't know when will I heal. I told you once before that I needed time alone for myself, do you remember that?"

The soft feathery touches on his jawline disappears, "Yes."

"And that text that I sent you asking whether you'll be picking me up from work or not?"

With a strained voice, Jongdae answers, "I wanted to pick you up that evening, I thought about it.." Jongdae paused for a short second, "but I didn't."

Baekhyun didn't miss a beat when he gives a reply, "I don't blame you."

"If-" Jongdae's adam apple bobs up and down when he swallows, "If I did went to pick you up from work that day, would you still break up with me the next day?"

"I might not. But sooner or later, I still would."

Jongdae finds himself nodding in acknowledgement, because if Baekhyun says no then it'd make things so much worse for Jongdae. He doesn't know if he can move on with his life if after knowing that he could've prevented them from breaking up.

Baekhyun's lips quirks up and he casts a glance to Jongdae, "I was still in a dark state when I texted you but I figured that instead of waiting for the day where I'd heal to arrive, I might as well just push myself to find the cure."

"You've really pushed yourself to the point where you needed to get out, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

Baekhyun's eyes searches for Jongdae's, but the latter has his eyes closed. He reassures with a quiet reply, "It's not your fault."

"It's not yours either. Don't blame yourself over this, Baekhyun."

He digs his fingers into his thigh, the pain that came with it was welcomed once more if it helps him distracting his messed up scattering thoughts, "Whose fault is it if it's not mine?!"

Jongdae almost expected for Baekhyun to raise his voice, so when the sudden loud voice rings into his ears he didn't flinch.

"I think we can see that this is bound to happen, it's no one's fault." He says that, but deep down Jongdae still blames himself for what had happened between them.

Silence ensues in the air around them once again, none of them said anything for minutes. There are a lot of thoughts swirling in Baekhyun's mind to the point even the pain couldn't drown the voices out. His mind is noisy when his heart seems to stop aching, and when his heart starts to itch from the buried emotions that's when his mind will go quiet. It was always at night when both his heart and mind starts conflicting again, it hurts so much but Baekhyun couldn't find a cure for it. Not even pain can suppress it.

The first few weeks and months after walking out from their relationship, Baekhyun was able to breathe and feel himself healing. He would be able to fall sleep without distractions for a while, but that moment of tranquility didn't lasts long.

Baekhyun couldn't exactly say that he grew numb of the hollow inside his being, because he's still able to feel that emotion so strongly.

Pain was his friend for quite some time, but even pain couldn't help him. And he had stopped tuning into the Midnight FM after the voices inside his head starts getting too loud. That's when Mongryong came into his life.

"What now?" Jongdae asks, sounding steady and accepting of the reality.

Baekhyun leans his head into the headrest, "I don't know."

"Are you- okay now?" His ex asked.

Releasing a long breath, Baekhyun blinks the tiredness from his eyes away, "Honestly, I can't say anything for sure. At one point I'm fine and I felt ready to be happy again but then the next thing I know is that I'm not doing okay at all."

He didn't hear any responses from the man that's sitting on the driver's seat and it encourages him to continue speaking.

"I went to see a therapist once, you know, but I stopped going when I decided to punish myself. I kept beating myself down, I told myself that I don't deserve happiness because I broke yours. And yet I still questioned as to why I couldn't heal."

And goddamnit, Baekhyun starts crying again. The tears escapes his eyes silently and he shudders, "But you know what? I'm tired from all of this, so I'll let go of everything and learn to stop beating myself down."

Although the smile didn't quite reach his eyes Jongdae wears a warm smile as he wipes the tears away from Baekhyun's cheeks, "I'm glad to hear that." He speaks again in a hushed tone, "Stop blaming yourself, okay?"

The passenger's seat occupant couldn't bring himself to speak so he nodded once in response.

⭐

Oh how Jongdae's hope shatters into tiny pieces when he listened to Baekhyun saying that he's letting go. A part of him is happy that Baekhyun will be trying to move on properly, but a part of him also withers down at the possibility that _this is it._ This will be where their relationship truly ends.

And how could he even voice his hopes out in that moment when Baekhyun had just said that he wants to let things go?

He stretches his lips into a smile and wipes the tears away from Baekhyun's cheeks that had lost their roundness.

"I'm glad to hear that." He means it.

"Stop blaming yourself, okay?" He continued in a hushed tone.

Baekhyun's glassy eyes looks into his, and Jongdae feels himself tearing up as well.

He wants to hold the man in front of him as long as he is able and allowed to, but if Baekhyun are to let things go and move forward then Jongdae should stop holding on. He retracts his hands away and averts his eyes elsewhere.

"You're making me cry, dummy." He laughs as an excuse. But really, he doesn't feel like laughing right now. The sound of his laugh sounded more of a sob and he has to force another laugh out, which turns uglier than before and before he can stop himself, he's crying again.

🌙

Baekhyun can't figure out why Jongdae started crying again, all he thinks in that moment is to hold Jongdae into his arms and comforts him. But who is he to do that now?

His own tears haven't come to a stop yet, and they both would be laughing at this situation if they weren't producing salty water out from their eyeballs right now.

After a short pause, his brain connected the wires and he sucks in a deep breath when the realization dawns on him.

He had been so caught up in himself that he momentarily forgets about Jongdae's wellbeing. He forgets that Jongdae is the one who wrote You.

And of course he would be crying, because the man that he wrote the song for just said that he'll be moving on.

Oh how stupid he is. 

"Jongdae."

Said man manages to answer with a crying "what?" that makes Baekhyun's heart warms.

"I said that I'm letting go of everything but I don't think I'm letting you go anytime soon."

* * *

**Midnight FM songs playlist:**

**Chapter 1**  
• Breathe - Lauv  
• Now or Never - Halsey  
• I don't wanna love you anymore - LANY

 **Chapter 2**  
• I don't wanna love you anymore - LANY  
• Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift

 **Chapter 3**  
• I don't wanna love you anymore - LANY  
• Breathe - Lauv

 **Chapter 4**  
• Friends - Chase Atlantic  
• I Can't Fall in Love Without You - Zara Larsson

 **Chapter 5**  
• Quit - Cashmere Cat ft. Ariana Grande

 **Chapter 6**  
• What if love - Wendy (Red Velvet)

 **Chapter 7**  
• Stay - EXO  
• You - Dynamic Duo ft. Chen

 **Chapter 8**  
• You - Dynamic Duo ft. Chen  
• You Don't Love Me (Like You Used To) - THE WLDLFE

 **Chapter 9**  
• Still the same - SHY Martin ft. Boy In Space  
• You - Dynamic Duo ft. Chen  
• Consequences - Camila Cabello   
• I Love You's - Hailee Steinfeld

[Midnight FM - Spotify link](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/632UMKbvBZ18Ar6jS1D6r9?si=GEnRIdpnTrCXze1KmrCKCQ)

* * *

"I'm sure that a lot of listeners are eager to know the story behind You."

"Oh? They are?"

"They've been asking the same question after finding out that you'll be our guest for the night."

"Well, to be truthful-" He pauses shortly and smiles as if he's remembered a sweet memory, "this isn't exactly my story to tell. But then again I don't think there's a need for any explanation as the lyrics were the story itself."

The DJ hums thoughtfully into his mic, "Then is it Chen's story?" He then laughs, "I don't mean to pry but people have been restless ever since this song was released with an anonymous singer, he sings really well."

Chanyeol laughs along, his mind doing a quick flashback of when Jongdae's hand scribbled nonstop on his notebook even when he's got a bad cold. "I agree, he's a very good singer." He leans forward from his seat, the DJ mirrors his action in anticipation, "It is his story. He poured his heart out when he wrote that, I only helped with some of the rap parts."

"It's a breakup song." The DJ stated, Chanyeol nods. "It's a breakup song."

"This just makes everything more sadder," The DJ chuckles, "Knowing that the song was inspired by real events." The guest only wears an apologetic smile. He continues asking, "Did they get back together? I'm sure his ex must've recognized Chen's voice and how regretful and sorry he sounded."

Jongdae's best friend smiles at the Midnight FM's DJ, it was only a short paused silence before he answered the one million dollar question but in that period of time he recalled that one night where Jongdae called him crying, the ugly sobs alarming him as he immediately jumped out of bed; confusing a very sleepy Kyungsoo. He remembered opening the door into his apartment that he entrusted to his best friend only to be greeted with the sight of messiness. He remembered hugging Jongdae that cried his heart out as he blamed himself for being the one who've hurt Baekhyun. He then recalled Jongdae cleaning up the mess he's made the moment he stopped breaking down, how he wordlessly packed his things up, how Chanyeol offered him to stay a night at his place but the latter only shakes his head in protest. The producer could feel the lingering soft weight of the key card on his palm when they separated ways at the car park with the moon as their only witness.

"I'm not sure about that. But if this can satiate your curiosity, then they did met again after the song was released."

Baekhyun turns the Midnight FM off from his phone just as The Night Talk session with their special guest ended, he settles into the bed that pricks at his exposed body with coolness that he's used to and blinks into the ceiling. No heavy thoughts screaming into his head, no heavy weights chaining themselves onto his body as they sunk him down, he breathes contentedly into the bedroom, feeling his body relaxes at the humming of the air conditioner and slight movements of Mongryong at the end of the bed.

A text notification rings Baekhyun's phone, he gingerly opens his phone with a light smile on his face; healing the old remnants of insomnia.

_Hey_

_Idk if you listened to Midnight FM just now but Chanyeol became their guest!!_

_They obv just had to ask about THAT one song, I'm glad he didn't give out too much details or I'm never telling him about us again_

_Curious about one thing though, what are we??_

_No_

_Don't answer that, forget I even asked_

_This app needs to upgrade so that we can unsend text messages_

_Don't laugh._

Baekhyun laughs anyways, his bubbly sound dances around the walls; replacing the old scars of numbing silences.

-I miss you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Thank you so much for reading up until the end, it means a lot to me that you didn't give up reading this half-way through the story. I wanted to make this as angsty as possible so I hoped you're able to feel something from this.
> 
> I made a spotify playlist for the songs that inspired me and fitted with the plot so please give it a listen! (Listen it at midnight for more feels) The lyrics are lowkey baekchen in this story :')
> 
> Take care of yourself!


End file.
